When You Feel More Like His Mom Than His Wife

It had been years and years of frustration building and building and building until I had so much pent up inside of me I felt like I was going to explode. And not in a cute, “I need a bubble bath and a piece of chocolate” kind of way. I mean the kind of explode where you are one dirty dish away from rethinking every life decision you have ever made. And believe me, I HATE doing the dishes.

That was the thing… I was doing everything I hated. My love for my husband had turned into resentment. I was tired of paying every single bill, cleaning everything, taking care of the kid, being the only one working, keeping track of the schedule, remembering all the things, handling all the responsible adult stuff, while it felt like he only wanted to do the “fun” things and sometimes melting down when I asked him to help with things (I will one day do an entire blog on taxes alone). Responsibility, in his mind, was stupid, or at least that is what he said out loud. More on that later, because there is more to that story than I understood at the time.

Over the course of about seven years, I worked with three different therapists, and somehow, all of their advice seemed to make my frustration worse. As a Christian, I did not believe I had biblical grounds for divorce, and I also did not feel like divorce was what God wanted for my life. But the more I talked through everything in therapy, the angrier I became. And they affirmed everything I said without challenge.

I did have real reasons to be exhausted. To be extremely frustrated… I was carrying too much. But the advice I received often poured gasoline on a fire that was already burning hot. I was told I needed to give ultimatums. I was told I needed to tell him exactly what he was doing wrong. One therapist even told me I should withhold all sex until he started doing what I wanted him to do.

And let me just say, if your marriage already feels like a battlefield, turning sex into a hostage negotiation may not be the healing strategy everyone thinks it is.

All of it fueled the resentment I was already carrying toward my husband. I wasn’t just becoming bitter, I was bitter. I made everything about how I felt. What he was doing wrong. I put a spotlight on every single thing. I looked for everything wrong. I vented to anyone that would listen, and I had a long list for my therapist every week.

To be fair, some of the things were bad… REALLY, REALLY BAD. But for many of the things, I was setting him up for failure. I expected him to fail. Sometimes I may have even wanted it so I could point it out and then share it with those who would affirm my frustrations. But this was just as unhealthy in a different way.  

I didn’t feel like a wife. I felt like his mom. And let’s be real. That doesn’t bring out the bom chicka wow wow. It didn’t make me feel sexy in any way, shape, or form. I definitely wasn’t like “ohhh after a long day of work, when you didn’t do anything but whatever the special interest of the moment was, do I just feel like making you dinner, doing your dishes, putting on something sexy, and having some crazy sex”.

No… instead I felt like a hot crazy mess, frazzled, who had the pretty squeezed out and now just was a frumpy mess who wanted to hide in her PJs. I pictured myself more like a frazzled woman, who looked like she stuck her finger in an electric outlet while wearing a moo moo. Sexy wasn’t a synonym to me. It was an antonym.

I was swirling in my own world… But what about my husband?

The truth is, my husband felt like he was suffocating inside too. He wasn’t fulfilling his purpose. He was stuck, hurting, crippled by shame. He felt useless. He was embarrassed. He felt like a complete failure.

Now, there is no way that I can even begin to cover how we emerged from this state in one blog post. And certainly with every one of my clients the process is a bit different. But I absolutely promise, it is possible to turn this around! Whatever you do, expect it to be a process, not an instantaneous change overnight.  

I could write an entire book on how we got from there to where we are now, and honestly, maybe one day I will. But for the sake of keeping this blog post to a reasonable length, and because no one needs to read the entire emotional encyclopedia of our marriage in one sitting, I’ll try to keep this part simple.

Something had to change.

And by something, I mean me too.

That was probably the part I hated the most.

Because when you have been hurt, when you have carried too much, when you have felt alone for years, it is really easy to make the other person the villain of every single story. And listen, sometimes they are doing some villain-like things. I am not here to pretend otherwise or discount the pain that comes as a result.

But my heart posture was wrong, and it had to be dealt with.

That did not excuse his part. It did not erase the things that needed to change. It did not magically make everything my fault. It didn’t erase the pain I felt. It didn’t cure my Cassandra Syndrome symptoms. But his wrong did not make my wrong right.

And as a Christian, I had to sit with that.

Because one day, I am going to stand before God and give an account for how I lived, how I loved, how I spoke, how I forgave, how I handled pain, and yes, how I was as a wife. And I do not think standing before God and saying, “Yeah, but he did this, this, and this,” is going to be the get-out-of-obedience-free card we sometimes act like it is.

Ouch. I know.

I wanted my frustration to justify me. I wanted my exhaustion to excuse me. I wanted my list of all the things he had done wrong to explain why I had become critical, resentful, harsh, and cold.

But God was not only interested in changing my husband.

He was interested in changing me too.

And that was not exactly the answer I wanted.

I had to stop making my husband the villain of every story. I had to stop collecting evidence against him. I had to stop turning every failure into proof that I was right to be bitter. I had to soften my heart enough to actually see him again. I had to stop listening to the voices affirming my position of frustration. Not because they were always wrong, but because validating my pain was not the same thing as being led toward healing and I wasn’t getting anywhere.

That didn’t mean I had to ignore the truth or approve of what he was doing. But I had to adjust my strategy. I had to see him. There is a difference.

And honestly, that shift changed everything.

Not overnight. Not in a magical, birds-singing, house-cleaning, bills-paying, romance-is-back-by-Friday kind of way. And definitely not an instant, “Well look at me, I feel like a sexy wife again and I’m ready to enjoy every aspect of marriage” kind of thing.

But it was a spark.

It was one of the first real shifts that started changing the dynamic in our marriage. When I stopped only seeing the failure and started looking for the root causes, we could finally begin to deal with the real issues. Not just the dirty dishes. Not just the bills. Not just the special interests. Not just the meltdowns. The deeper patterns underneath all of it.

And there is more to come on that, because there is no way I can unpack years of marriage, resentment, shame, autism, ADHD, responsibility, repair, faith, and yes, taxes, in one blog post without all of us needing a snack and a nap.

This is the kind of work I help couples with every day. We look at where you are, where you want to be, and what keeps derailing you every time you try to get there. We build a strategy that actually works for your marriage, your personalities, your faith, your unique dynamics, and your real life. Not some cookie-cutter advice that sounds cute on Instagram but falls apart the second someone forgets the trash again.

Because the goal is not for one spouse to keep carrying the whole marriage better.

The goal is to help both people move toward real partnership, ownership, repair, and connection again.

And no, both people do not always have to be equally bought in at the very beginning. Sometimes change starts with one person saying, “I cannot keep doing this the same way anymore.” Maybe that is the wife who is exhausted from feeling like his mom. Maybe that is the husband who is tired of feeling like a failure and wants to become more present, responsible, and connected. Either way, we can start with the part of the pattern you are ready to work on.

If you are tired of the same cycle and ready for real partnership, book a session with me today.